Countdown To Drinking Your Own Piss!

Hello fans of words and other things that make up novels, I am back with another truly amazing blog post!

I write all kinds of novels, I really can do everything – and I do it brilliantly. I want to help you because we all need help from time to time. I sometimes need help with tying my shoelaces, not because I can’t do them (hahaha…honest) but because I am constantly thinking of new amazing stories and so don’t have time to tie them myself!

This blog post is designed to help all of you that are writing a novel set in a post-apocalyptic future when things have gone well bad and shit like that. Below is an extract from my amazingly high-selling, post-apocalyptic novel ‘Countdown To Drinking Your Own Piss’ which will get your juices flowing for sure. Don’t be overawed by my talent, use it to inspire yourself.

This novel takes place after a massive rock has slammed into Earth near the roadside service station by junction 8 on the M62, in Runcorn, England. Things go proper mental and shit and people are doing all they can to survive. Society has crumbled and life as we know it has gone right up the shit pipe!

COUNTDOWN TO DRINKING YOUR OWN PISS!

“How long have we been walking?” asked an exhausted Dave Option.

“About 63 hours”, replied a weary Cheryl Chair. She usually liked to be called ‘Chez’ but she felt that short abbreviations or nicknames weren’t suitable during post-apocalyptic times.

“Can we stop for a rest?” asked a drained Steve Spicyointment.

“Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with that last statement that Steve just said”, said a tuckered out Susie Backsweat.

“We need to find water”, said a really pooped Glen Otterpenis, “so we keep walking.”

Then a conversation in which all of the characters talked began about what to do about water. It was a really long conversation and I don’t have the time to write it all but it ended as follows…

“I’d happily let you all drink my piss, if you wanted to”, said a parched Dave. They all agreed to drink each others piss if they became anymore thirsty. Glen Otterpiss wasn’t so keen, he’d drunk piss in Afghanistan and he didn’t enjoy the taste. As he was about to say so Cheryl pointed into the distance, which was far away and said, “Look!”

Everybody turned to look and saw something.

That something was a dust rising into the air as if a car was driving on the dry ground but surely it couldn’t be a car because there was no petrol anywhere.

“It’s dust rising into the air as if a car is driving on the dry ground but surely it couldn’t be a car because there is no petrol anywhere”, said Cheryle who had decided to add the letter ‘e’ to her surname as it sounded more sophisticated. 

But sure enough it was a car and it was coming towards them.

Everybody was proper tense and shit while the car came towards them. When the car arrived a man got out.

“Hello, my name is Jim Bowen”, said Jim Bowen.

“Hi Jim”, replied Chez who had now decided that short abbreviations of names was OK. I mean, its post-apocalyptic times and they might have to start drinking each other piss soon so why not use your bloody nickname!?

The first thing they noticed was Jim Bowen’s hair, it was so well styled and neat.

“Have you got wax in your hair?” asked Dave.

“Look, I’m with a group of people who have found a small enclave with everything we could need for 50 years and we’re going around finding groups like yours to come and join us, you’re saved”, said Jim Bowen.

“I reckon you’re using Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream”, said Susie.

“We’ve also found a way to grow our own vegetables” said Jim Bowen.

“Maybe, but it looks a little too wet to be Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream”, said Dave.

schwarzkopf-osis-flexwax-cream
Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream

“It’s wet because I’ve just had a lovely shower, we have unlimited supply of hot, fresh water”, said Jim Bowen.

“I reckon it’s Maneuver Workwax by Redken” said Glen.

“Don’t be so stupid, you can’t get a firm hold like that using Redken products”, said Chez 🙂 who had now decided to add a smiley face after her nickname to give herself a more friendly and inviting nature. ‘Why not?’ she had mused to herself, ‘if we’re all going to die from lack of basic human needs I may as well put a smiley face after my name to cheer us all up’

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Maneuver Workwax by Redken

“We have fruit, vegetables, clean fresh water, we’re all healthy and able to produce off-spring. We’ve got an aeroplane and a holiday booked at the end of June, just before the school holidays and we’ve got a Netflix subscription” said an exasperated Jim Bowen.

“But can we drink your piss?” asked Chez 🙂

“You don’t need to!” replied Jim Bowen.

“I’d let you drink mine!” said Susie. Then everyone else said they’d let him drink their piss and told him he was being selfish and that he should go away.

Well, I think you’ll agree at how amazing that was and how you could really put yourself in the place of all the well-rounded characters. I hope this has helped. So, until the next time, keep writing!

 

SPLASH! Massive Splash!

‘SPLASH! Massive Splash!’ is the name of a novel I wrote a few years ago and it’s about four sailors, cast adrift on the Pacific Ocean after their boat capsized in treacherous weather. What follows in an excerpt to give you a taste of how to write maritime stories.

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The Book Cover For ‘SPLASH! Massive Splash!

Splash!…Splash…Splash…SPLASH! The Pacific ocean splashed against the lifeboat, rocking the four men inside. The sun shone brightly like an orange that had been carefully lit by an array of Varta Industrial Beam Lanterns which you can order on-line from Protectdirect.co.uk.

varta industrial Beam Latern
The Varta Industrial Beam Lantern

“How long has it been now? I’m starving hungry”, said Dave.

“How long has what been?” asked Barry.

“Since we had to get into this lifeboat because our boat sank. I think I might die from the hunger”, replied Dave.

“Oh yeah, I thought you were asking how long it had been since it had been medically proven that adding turmeric to your diet helped improve a persons digestive system,” replied Barry.

“What?” said Dave

“I reckon we’ve been here a week”, said Barry.

“Nine days” said Trev.

“No way! Really?” said Barry.

“I reckon,” replied Trev, “I’ve actually got a calendar on my iPhone but the battery ran out a few days ago.”

“iPhone battery’s are well bad,” said Barry as he chuckled.

Suddenly, from the other end of the boat Kevin, or Kev as he was also known, jumped up and said, “Lads, I’ve got an iPhone charger! We can see what day it is!”

“Where did you get that?” asked Barry

“I ordered it off Amazon.co.uk before we left”, replied Kev.

“I’m not sure how this is going to help us survive, lads,” said Dave, “maybe we should work out how we can catch some fish or some shit like that.”

“Is it for the iPhone 5?” asked Barry as he pointed at the charger that Kev had produced from his pocket.

“Yeah”, said Kev.

“Ah shit”, said Trevor who funnily enough, like Kev also had a shorter version of his name which was ‘Trev’, “I’ve got an iPhone 6. Oh well, never mind.”

“Oh they’re great!” said Kev.

“Guys, I think we need to find a way to eat”, said Dave who was now beginning to look skinny which is one of the major side effects of not eating.

“I’ve got a Coleman FyreChampion Double Burner gas camping stove,” said Barry, “is that any good?”

“Did you get that from Amazon.co.uk?”, enquired Kev.

“No, I ordered it on-line from gooutdoors.co.uk. If you order it online you get a free 12 month warranty.”, replied Barry.

“What are they like to use in windy conditions though?” asked Trev.

“Pretty good, actually. This ones got a windlock pan support which cuts the boiling time down 50% in the windiest conditions. It normally retails at £190.00 but I got this one for £139.99”, said Barry.

“That’s a great deal”, said Trev, ” I think I’ll order myself one when we get back home.”

coleman Fyre Champion
Coleman FyreChampion Double Burner gas camping stove

“Guys! Food! We need it!” said Dave.

Twelve days later, having drank each others piss for days, they were found by some other lads who were on a ship to Canada. Once they’d all got their strength back they had a right good laugh about having to drink each others urine.

The End.

As you can see for yourself I added some stuff about them having to drink each others piss. This is a great way to show how being adrift on the ocean is really bad.

 

Show, Don’t Tell.

One of the mistakes new writers make is to tell rather than show. What that means is that new writers are telling rather than showing. In other words the new writer isn’t showing but rather telling.

It is a technique that allows the reader to experience the scene through actions and shit like that rather than the writer’s description or something like that.

If you’re any good as a writer, this is a technique you will get to grips with. If you don’t it probably means you’re no good. I understand it really, really, really well as the example below demonstrates.

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An example of ‘show don’t tell’

 

How To Emotionally Move Your Readers

One of the most important things when writing a novel is to make your readers feel empathy for your main characters. If the readers have no reason to like a character why should they keep reading?

I couldn’t get past the first fifty pages of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ because I just didn’t care about any of the characters in it and none of them seemed real!

There are many ways in which to make your readers feel all emotional and shit like that, you can make one of the characters sad about something or you could make one of them really frustrated about something in the news.

But if neither of the these two example make you want to reach for a tissue then I suggest giving all of your characters a limp. Who doesn’t feel sorrow for people with limps??

 

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I feel so emotional after reading this.

 

Writing Romance (sexy stuff!)

Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).

So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.

When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.

 

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Erotic fiction of the highest standard.

So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.

 

How To Make Every Scene Count.

When writing a novel it is important to make sure that every scene has a reason for being there. Each scene must move the story along or help to develop characters.

This is a mistake many newbie novelists make when they are starting out, along with not having the correct pen and not giving any of their characters believable surnames, (seriously, DO NOT give your characters surnames like ‘Mangofart’ or ‘Vulvabacksweat’!!)

Below are two sentences, see if you can work out which one moves the plotline forward the best.

‘Dave Vulvabacksweat entered the kitchen’;

or

‘Dave Vulvabacksweat entered the kitchen, tripped on a mango and died instantly’

Can you spot which sentence moves the storyline forward?

If you are still not certain how to make every scene count, watch the film ‘Crocodile Dundee II’ staring Paul Hogan and copy it.

 

croc
Crocodile Dundee II

 

 

Basic Plots

Remember, all plots need a beginning, a middle, another middle, another middle with a slight twist, another middle bit where the previous twist wasn’t an actual twist, something that feels like another beginning but can’t be because its a middle, another short middle, something that feels like the ending but isn’t, an ending, a huge twist, the actual ending and an epilogue.

All clear?