Hi their, fans of words, sentences and other stuff like that like novels and shit. I am back with another truly amazing blog for all of you aspiring novelists out there. What’s that? How have I been recently? Oh thanks for asking, that’s SO kind. I’ve been writing stuff. I’ve also been busy networking on Instagram, one of my posts on there got almost 13 ‘likes’. Networking is great, I love it and I am really great at it – I’ll do a post about it soon and pass on my unrivalled knowledge.
But today, we’re going to be looking at ‘Adjectives’. From what I have heard and read, they’re really important if you want to be a writer!
“But what are adjectives?” I hear you yell. That’s a really great question and my answer is best summed up by the picture below which is from my Instagram page (which I mentioned about 4 sentences ago).
So as you can see, it doesn’t really matter what an adjective is, just write your novel without using any! Genius, right?
OK, great! I’ll be back again soon with another amazing writing tip.
‘SPLASH! Massive Splash!’ is the name of a novel I wrote a few years ago and it’s about four sailors, cast adrift on the Pacific Ocean after their boat capsized in treacherous weather. What follows in an excerpt to give you a taste of how to write maritime stories.
Splash!…Splash…Splash…SPLASH! The Pacific ocean splashed against the lifeboat, rocking the four men inside. The sun shone brightly like an orange that had been carefully lit by an array of Varta Industrial Beam Lanterns which you can order on-line from Protectdirect.co.uk.
“How long has it been now? I’m starving hungry”, said Dave.
“How long has what been?” asked Barry.
“Since we had to get into this lifeboat because our boat sank. I think I might die from the hunger”, replied Dave.
“Oh yeah, I thought you were asking how long it had been since it had been medically proven that adding turmeric to your diet helped improve a persons digestive system,” replied Barry.
“What?” said Dave
“I reckon we’ve been here a week”, said Barry.
“Nine days” said Trev.
“No way! Really?” said Barry.
“I reckon,” replied Trev, “I’ve actually got a calendar on my iPhone but the battery ran out a few days ago.”
“iPhone battery’s are well bad,” said Barry as he chuckled.
Suddenly, from the other end of the boat Kevin, or Kev as he was also known, jumped up and said, “Lads, I’ve got an iPhone charger! We can see what day it is!”
“Where did you get that?” asked Barry
“I ordered it off Amazon.co.uk before we left”, replied Kev.
“I’m not sure how this is going to help us survive, lads,” said Dave, “maybe we should work out how we can catch some fish or some shit like that.”
“Is it for the iPhone 5?” asked Barry as he pointed at the charger that Kev had produced from his pocket.
“Yeah”, said Kev.
“Ah shit”, said Trevor who funnily enough, like Kev also had a shorter version of his name which was ‘Trev’, “I’ve got an iPhone 6. Oh well, never mind.”
“Oh they’re great!” said Kev.
“Guys, I think we need to find a way to eat”, said Dave who was now beginning to look skinny which is one of the major side effects of not eating.
“I’ve got a Coleman FyreChampion Double Burner gas camping stove,” said Barry, “is that any good?”
“Did you get that from Amazon.co.uk?”, enquired Kev.
“No, I ordered it on-line from gooutdoors.co.uk. If you order it online you get a free 12 month warranty.”, replied Barry.
“What are they like to use in windy conditions though?” asked Trev.
“Pretty good, actually. This ones got a windlock pan support which cuts the boiling time down 50% in the windiest conditions. It normally retails at £190.00 but I got this one for £139.99”, said Barry.
“That’s a great deal”, said Trev, ” I think I’ll order myself one when we get back home.”
“Guys! Food! We need it!” said Dave.
Twelve days later, having drank each others piss for days, they were found by some other lads who were on a ship to Canada. Once they’d all got their strength back they had a right good laugh about having to drink each others urine.
As you can see for yourself I added some stuff about them having to drink each others piss. This is a great way to show how being adrift on the ocean is really bad.
Writing a novel is similar to many things, climbing a mountain, trekking an uncharted path through an overgrown jungle, or multiplying 7 x 8 without using a calculator. But I think I have found the perfect way to describe writing a book…
Due to the overwhelming positive responses to titles for possible Sci-Fi novels that I posted on Instagram (below) I have decided to write some excerpts from the most popular to help give you an idea on how to write the science fiction genre.
First up is the enigmatically entitled ‘Mars Can Fuck Off’
The spaceship cut through space like a cucumber cuts through mayonnaise. But this spaceship wasn’t green, it was silver and it was also a bit bigger than your standard cucumber. I’m not sure how much bigger exactly but pretty big as on it were three people who were on a mission to the red planet known as Mars. Also, space wasn’t like mayonnaise because space isn’t white and edible. Although if you were surrounded by either one of them you wouldn’t be able to breath.
“Prepare to jump to light-speed”, said one of the people on the spaceship.
“Ok”, said one of the other people.
“Wait”, said the third person who’s name was Spunkrodder from the planet ‘Andromadomadingdong’, “It is illogical go jump to light-speed right now”.
“Goddamn alien know it all”, muttered one of the people.
“Why not?” asked the other person who was a bloke.
“Because we’ve just landed on Mars and Mars is the planet we are supposed to land on”, said Spunkrodder
It was true, the spaceship had just landed on the mysterious planet that is known as Mars.
“So what do we do now?” questioned one of the people on the spaceship.
“We have to explore and look for any traces of the previous missions that have gone missing”, said Spunkrodder.
“Whatcha mean?” said the bloke.
“Our mission is to look for missing astronauts ‘n’ shit like that, even though we suspect they were killed by something living on this planet, which is called Mars”, said Spunkrodder informatively.
“You mean other people like me and this other bloke have gone missing and are presumed dead?” said one of the men.
“Yes”, said Spunkrodder.
“Well fuck that. Mars can fuck-off”, said a man.
And with that they took off in their spaceship that looked like a giant silver cucumber and went home. The trip back to Earth took ages and they were really tired at the end of it.
All you have to do is think of something that happened in the past and write about it. I love writing history novels and shit like that. My last book set in historical times was called ‘King Arthur and the Search for the Yellow Banana’ – it’s all about a king called Arthur and his quest to find a banana that was used at the last supper of Jesus and his mates.
I’m not sure how many people have downloaded it on Amazon but it’s loads!!
Anyway, there are many tips I can give you about writing books set in the past but below is probably the two most important things to remember.