Hi their, fans of words, sentences and other stuff like that like novels and shit. I am back with another truly amazing blog for all of you aspiring novelists out there. What’s that? How have I been recently? Oh thanks for asking, that’s SO kind. I’ve been writing stuff. I’ve also been busy networking on Instagram, one of my posts on there got almost 13 ‘likes’. Networking is great, I love it and I am really great at it – I’ll do a post about it soon and pass on my unrivalled knowledge.
But today, we’re going to be looking at ‘Adjectives’. From what I have heard and read, they’re really important if you want to be a writer!
“But what are adjectives?” I hear you yell. That’s a really great question and my answer is best summed up by the picture below which is from my Instagram page (which I mentioned about 4 sentences ago).
So as you can see, it doesn’t really matter what an adjective is, just write your novel without using any! Genius, right?
OK, great! I’ll be back again soon with another amazing writing tip.
Hi writing fans and fellow authors, I’m back with another excerpt from one of my many amazing novels which I give to you in order to inspire you to greater works.
As you know we are in the time of the year where the dead supposedly rise again and people dress up for Halloween so I thought it only fitting I share an extract from my biggest selling horror novel, ‘Up To Their Necks In Shit’.
Up To Their Necks In Shit.
Susie and Denise had both woken up late after a sleep over at Susie’s mothers house that was in the middle of the woods or some shit like that. As they rushed to school they feared the worst, “Mrs. Girth is going to put us in detention for sure for being this late”, said Susie. Denise didn’t say anything because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.
No one really knew what had happened to Denise but Susie knew that it had something to do with a bucket, some old ham and a torch. Susie didn’t know this because she had been specifically told about what had happened to Denise but was certain she was right because she was like psychic, I think.
As they reached the school Susie felt an uneasiness come over her and she felt proper weird and shit, “Something is not right, Denise”, she said out loud in a conversational manner. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Denise’s eyebrows started to twitch uncontrollably, shooting upwards and downwards in a jerky fashion, “Denise, what is wrong?” asked Susie but Denise didn’t reply because she is a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer. The eyebrows began to twitch even more wildly, so much so that the rest of Denise’s face almost began to move.
Then an ancient Egyptian mummy came over towards them and started having a rightgo at them, “You two girls must die”, he/she said in a sinister manner, “You both have only two hundred thousand days left to live before the curse take’s its course”.
“What curse?” asked Susie politely
“Oh, did I forget to…oh yes, I forgot to mention it, but I’ve put a curse on you”, said the mummy.
“Oh shit”, replied Susie, “that’s not good!”
“That’s really, really, really, really not good”, said Susie, “really, not good…not good”.
Then suddenly the sky that had been so bright and clear suddenly became dark as if it was the middle of the night and Denise’s eyebrows shot up in shock.
“That’s confusing”, said Susie, “It was proper bright a second ago and now it’s like all dark and shit…what the heck is happening here?”
Denise reached into her bag and pulled out a torch and handed it to Susie.
“Is this a torch?” Susie asked. Denise nodded her head as if to say ‘yes’ because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.
“This torch will help us see better in the dark, well done Denise. Where did you get it from?”
Denise shook her head and pointed at her unmoving mouth.
“Oh yeah, you’re mute and have been ever since some horrific shit happened to you last summer…I forgot”, said Susie who then let out a small laugh at her own stupidity andforgetfulness, “What am I like!?” Where did you get this torch from? Did you order it at Argos.com, the UK’s most successful catalogue and delivery company?”
Denise nodded ‘yes’ and smiled. It was the first time Denise had smiled ever since she became a mute after some horrific shit happened to her last summer.
“Argos.com is a great website and really easy to use”, said Susie enthusiastically, “you can pretty much get everything you want on their from wedding rings to garden power tools such as the Mcgregor Cordless 24 volt Garden Blower or the Bosch ALS2500 Corded Leaf Blower both of which are great quality at a reasonable price.”
Then, the Mummy, which had been thinking about Egypt during this conversation about Argos.com which has same day delivery for only £3.95, shouted, “Denise, I know what you did last summer!”
Denise’s eyebrows then went even more mental on her face, so much so that if they weren’t securely attached to her face they would’ve definitely jumped off and flown away on the breeze. I don’t know if I mentioned the weather conditions but it was a bit breezy. It wasn’t windy enough to fly a kite properly but it was breezy enough to carry an unattached eyebrow.
“How does he know what happened last summer but I don’t?” asked Susie, “Do you two know each other?”
Denise peered into Susie’s eyes and let out a deep and frightening laugh…
So there you go…are you scared? Haha, it’s ok if you are, most people who have read it have been left totally lost for words.
If you would like to read more of this novel then please get in touch. I will send you a personalised copy as there isn’t any available in any shop right now. I’ve had a couple of problems with publishers etc…
I hope you enjoyed this spooky tale. See you soon, book fans!
‘SPLASH! Massive Splash!’ is the name of a novel I wrote a few years ago and it’s about four sailors, cast adrift on the Pacific Ocean after their boat capsized in treacherous weather. What follows in an excerpt to give you a taste of how to write maritime stories.
Splash!…Splash…Splash…SPLASH! The Pacific ocean splashed against the lifeboat, rocking the four men inside. The sun shone brightly like an orange that had been carefully lit by an array of Varta Industrial Beam Lanterns which you can order on-line from Protectdirect.co.uk.
“How long has it been now? I’m starving hungry”, said Dave.
“How long has what been?” asked Barry.
“Since we had to get into this lifeboat because our boat sank. I think I might die from the hunger”, replied Dave.
“Oh yeah, I thought you were asking how long it had been since it had been medically proven that adding turmeric to your diet helped improve a persons digestive system,” replied Barry.
“What?” said Dave
“I reckon we’ve been here a week”, said Barry.
“Nine days” said Trev.
“No way! Really?” said Barry.
“I reckon,” replied Trev, “I’ve actually got a calendar on my iPhone but the battery ran out a few days ago.”
“iPhone battery’s are well bad,” said Barry as he chuckled.
Suddenly, from the other end of the boat Kevin, or Kev as he was also known, jumped up and said, “Lads, I’ve got an iPhone charger! We can see what day it is!”
“Where did you get that?” asked Barry
“I ordered it off Amazon.co.uk before we left”, replied Kev.
“I’m not sure how this is going to help us survive, lads,” said Dave, “maybe we should work out how we can catch some fish or some shit like that.”
“Is it for the iPhone 5?” asked Barry as he pointed at the charger that Kev had produced from his pocket.
“Yeah”, said Kev.
“Ah shit”, said Trevor who funnily enough, like Kev also had a shorter version of his name which was ‘Trev’, “I’ve got an iPhone 6. Oh well, never mind.”
“Oh they’re great!” said Kev.
“Guys, I think we need to find a way to eat”, said Dave who was now beginning to look skinny which is one of the major side effects of not eating.
“I’ve got a Coleman FyreChampion Double Burner gas camping stove,” said Barry, “is that any good?”
“Did you get that from Amazon.co.uk?”, enquired Kev.
“No, I ordered it on-line from gooutdoors.co.uk. If you order it online you get a free 12 month warranty.”, replied Barry.
“What are they like to use in windy conditions though?” asked Trev.
“Pretty good, actually. This ones got a windlock pan support which cuts the boiling time down 50% in the windiest conditions. It normally retails at £190.00 but I got this one for £139.99”, said Barry.
“That’s a great deal”, said Trev, ” I think I’ll order myself one when we get back home.”
“Guys! Food! We need it!” said Dave.
Twelve days later, having drank each others piss for days, they were found by some other lads who were on a ship to Canada. Once they’d all got their strength back they had a right good laugh about having to drink each others urine.
As you can see for yourself I added some stuff about them having to drink each others piss. This is a great way to show how being adrift on the ocean is really bad.
Writing a novel is similar to many things, climbing a mountain, trekking an uncharted path through an overgrown jungle, or multiplying 7 x 8 without using a calculator. But I think I have found the perfect way to describe writing a book…
Due to the overwhelming positive responses to titles for possible Sci-Fi novels that I posted on Instagram (below) I have decided to write some excerpts from the most popular to help give you an idea on how to write the science fiction genre.
First up is the enigmatically entitled ‘Mars Can Fuck Off’
The spaceship cut through space like a cucumber cuts through mayonnaise. But this spaceship wasn’t green, it was silver and it was also a bit bigger than your standard cucumber. I’m not sure how much bigger exactly but pretty big as on it were three people who were on a mission to the red planet known as Mars. Also, space wasn’t like mayonnaise because space isn’t white and edible. Although if you were surrounded by either one of them you wouldn’t be able to breath.
“Prepare to jump to light-speed”, said one of the people on the spaceship.
“Ok”, said one of the other people.
“Wait”, said the third person who’s name was Spunkrodder from the planet ‘Andromadomadingdong’, “It is illogical go jump to light-speed right now”.
“Goddamn alien know it all”, muttered one of the people.
“Why not?” asked the other person who was a bloke.
“Because we’ve just landed on Mars and Mars is the planet we are supposed to land on”, said Spunkrodder
It was true, the spaceship had just landed on the mysterious planet that is known as Mars.
“So what do we do now?” questioned one of the people on the spaceship.
“We have to explore and look for any traces of the previous missions that have gone missing”, said Spunkrodder.
“Whatcha mean?” said the bloke.
“Our mission is to look for missing astronauts ‘n’ shit like that, even though we suspect they were killed by something living on this planet, which is called Mars”, said Spunkrodder informatively.
“You mean other people like me and this other bloke have gone missing and are presumed dead?” said one of the men.
“Yes”, said Spunkrodder.
“Well fuck that. Mars can fuck-off”, said a man.
And with that they took off in their spaceship that looked like a giant silver cucumber and went home. The trip back to Earth took ages and they were really tired at the end of it.
One of the mistakes new writers make is to tell rather than show. What that means is that new writers are telling rather than showing. In other words the new writer isn’t showing but rather telling.
It is a technique that allows the reader to experience the scene through actions and shit like that rather than the writer’s description or something like that.
If you’re any good as a writer, this is a technique you will get to grips with. If you don’t it probably means you’re no good. I understand it really, really, really well as the example below demonstrates.
One of the most important things when writing a novel is to make your readers feel empathy for your main characters. If the readers have no reason to like a character why should they keep reading?
I couldn’t get past the first fifty pages of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ because I just didn’t care about any of the characters in it and none of them seemed real!
There are many ways in which to make your readers feel all emotional and shit like that, you can make one of the characters sad about something or you could make one of them really frustrated about something in the news.
But if neither of the these two example make you want to reach for a tissue then I suggest giving all of your characters a limp. Who doesn’t feel sorrow for people with limps??