Hi their, fans of words, sentences and other stuff like that like novels and shit. I am back with another truly amazing blog for all of you aspiring novelists out there. What’s that? How have I been recently? Oh thanks for asking, that’s SO kind. I’ve been writing stuff. I’ve also been busy networking on Instagram, one of my posts on there got almost 13 ‘likes’. Networking is great, I love it and I am really great at it – I’ll do a post about it soon and pass on my unrivalled knowledge.
But today, we’re going to be looking at ‘Adjectives’. From what I have heard and read, they’re really important if you want to be a writer!
“But what are adjectives?” I hear you yell. That’s a really great question and my answer is best summed up by the picture below which is from my Instagram page (which I mentioned about 4 sentences ago).
So as you can see, it doesn’t really matter what an adjective is, just write your novel without using any! Genius, right?
OK, great! I’ll be back again soon with another amazing writing tip.
Hi writing fans and fellow authors, I’m back with another excerpt from one of my many amazing novels which I give to you in order to inspire you to greater works.
As you know we are in the time of the year where the dead supposedly rise again and people dress up for Halloween so I thought it only fitting I share an extract from my biggest selling horror novel, ‘Up To Their Necks In Shit’.
Up To Their Necks In Shit.
Susie and Denise had both woken up late after a sleep over at Susie’s mothers house that was in the middle of the woods or some shit like that. As they rushed to school they feared the worst, “Mrs. Girth is going to put us in detention for sure for being this late”, said Susie. Denise didn’t say anything because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.
No one really knew what had happened to Denise but Susie knew that it had something to do with a bucket, some old ham and a torch. Susie didn’t know this because she had been specifically told about what had happened to Denise but was certain she was right because she was like psychic, I think.
As they reached the school Susie felt an uneasiness come over her and she felt proper weird and shit, “Something is not right, Denise”, she said out loud in a conversational manner. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Denise’s eyebrows started to twitch uncontrollably, shooting upwards and downwards in a jerky fashion, “Denise, what is wrong?” asked Susie but Denise didn’t reply because she is a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer. The eyebrows began to twitch even more wildly, so much so that the rest of Denise’s face almost began to move.
Then an ancient Egyptian mummy came over towards them and started having a rightgo at them, “You two girls must die”, he/she said in a sinister manner, “You both have only two hundred thousand days left to live before the curse take’s its course”.
“What curse?” asked Susie politely
“Oh, did I forget to…oh yes, I forgot to mention it, but I’ve put a curse on you”, said the mummy.
“Oh shit”, replied Susie, “that’s not good!”
“That’s really, really, really, really not good”, said Susie, “really, not good…not good”.
Then suddenly the sky that had been so bright and clear suddenly became dark as if it was the middle of the night and Denise’s eyebrows shot up in shock.
“That’s confusing”, said Susie, “It was proper bright a second ago and now it’s like all dark and shit…what the heck is happening here?”
Denise reached into her bag and pulled out a torch and handed it to Susie.
“Is this a torch?” Susie asked. Denise nodded her head as if to say ‘yes’ because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.
“This torch will help us see better in the dark, well done Denise. Where did you get it from?”
Denise shook her head and pointed at her unmoving mouth.
“Oh yeah, you’re mute and have been ever since some horrific shit happened to you last summer…I forgot”, said Susie who then let out a small laugh at her own stupidity andforgetfulness, “What am I like!?” Where did you get this torch from? Did you order it at Argos.com, the UK’s most successful catalogue and delivery company?”
Denise nodded ‘yes’ and smiled. It was the first time Denise had smiled ever since she became a mute after some horrific shit happened to her last summer.
“Argos.com is a great website and really easy to use”, said Susie enthusiastically, “you can pretty much get everything you want on their from wedding rings to garden power tools such as the Mcgregor Cordless 24 volt Garden Blower or the Bosch ALS2500 Corded Leaf Blower both of which are great quality at a reasonable price.”
Then, the Mummy, which had been thinking about Egypt during this conversation about Argos.com which has same day delivery for only £3.95, shouted, “Denise, I know what you did last summer!”
Denise’s eyebrows then went even more mental on her face, so much so that if they weren’t securely attached to her face they would’ve definitely jumped off and flown away on the breeze. I don’t know if I mentioned the weather conditions but it was a bit breezy. It wasn’t windy enough to fly a kite properly but it was breezy enough to carry an unattached eyebrow.
“How does he know what happened last summer but I don’t?” asked Susie, “Do you two know each other?”
Denise peered into Susie’s eyes and let out a deep and frightening laugh…
So there you go…are you scared? Haha, it’s ok if you are, most people who have read it have been left totally lost for words.
If you would like to read more of this novel then please get in touch. I will send you a personalised copy as there isn’t any available in any shop right now. I’ve had a couple of problems with publishers etc…
I hope you enjoyed this spooky tale. See you soon, book fans!
The Moon was as bright as Barry had ever seen it. It seemed to shine in the air like high gloss ceramic floor tiles with a gloss finish do on a kitchen floor when under LED ceiling light fixtures, which was a coincidence as Barry had just ordered some new lighting for his kitchen from Lampsplus.com. He was originally going to order them from Thelightingsuperstore.com but once he found out that Lampsplus.com offered free delivery, there was no contest!
As Barry’s eyes remained fixed on the moon which as I’ve mentioned was very bright, he began to ponder if there was a reason for this unusual level of brightness. He turned to his brother, also called Barry, who had just stepped out of their house to smoke a cigarette.
“The moon is very bright tonight”, said Barry as he pointed at it.
“Yes, it is”, replied Barry, “well spotted.”
“Thanks”, said Barry.
Then, just as Barry was about to go back into the house to carry on pouring hot candle wax onto his testicles, Barry spotted something strange shooting out from the surface of the moon.
“What the flipping heck was that?” yelped Barry like a dog that had trapped its paw in a ducks anus.
“What was what?” asked an alarmed Barry. But before Barry had a chance to explain to Barry what had happened he spotted something else shooting into space from the moon’s surface. This time Barry also saw it.
Then another one, and another one…and another one……….and another one. And another one….AND another one.
“What is going on?” said Barry as he turned to Barry with a face almost as white as a sheet that has been placed under a Possini Euro Alecia 34″ Wide French Gold Chandelier, which strangely enough was currently on sale at Lampsplus at a recommended retail price of £599.99!
“I don’t know”, said Barry, honestly.
Soon the sky was filled with more and more of these things which quite frankly were really, really hard to describe…it’s pointless me trying.
“They keep coming” cried Barry, as the ‘things’ got closer to the Earth hemisphere.
“It’s as if the Moon has got the shits!” said Barry.
But the Moon didn’t have the shits, this was an invasion. An invasion from the Moon by an alien army that had been waiting for the right moment to attack and what with kitchen lighting and certain lampshades being such great prices at Lampsplus, that time was now!
Eventually, loads of humans died before a small band of brave people got lucky and somehow defeated the raiding extraterrestrials.
All you have to do is think of something that happened in the past and write about it. I love writing history novels and shit like that. My last book set in historical times was called ‘King Arthur and the Search for the Yellow Banana’ – it’s all about a king called Arthur and his quest to find a banana that was used at the last supper of Jesus and his mates.
I’m not sure how many people have downloaded it on Amazon but it’s loads!!
Anyway, there are many tips I can give you about writing books set in the past but below is probably the two most important things to remember.
One of the mistakes new writers make is to tell rather than show. What that means is that new writers are telling rather than showing. In other words the new writer isn’t showing but rather telling.
It is a technique that allows the reader to experience the scene through actions and shit like that rather than the writer’s description or something like that.
If you’re any good as a writer, this is a technique you will get to grips with. If you don’t it probably means you’re no good. I understand it really, really, really well as the example below demonstrates.
One of the most important things when writing a novel is to make your readers feel empathy for your main characters. If the readers have no reason to like a character why should they keep reading?
I couldn’t get past the first fifty pages of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ because I just didn’t care about any of the characters in it and none of them seemed real!
There are many ways in which to make your readers feel all emotional and shit like that, you can make one of the characters sad about something or you could make one of them really frustrated about something in the news.
But if neither of the these two example make you want to reach for a tissue then I suggest giving all of your characters a limp. Who doesn’t feel sorrow for people with limps??
Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).
So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.
When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.
So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.
Dialogue between characters in your novel is very important.
It helps give us a picture of their personalities and it helps us to add more words to our final word count. Dialogue is another name for talking, so when a writer says I am writing ‘dialogue’ he/she means they’re writing people chatting.
But you must remember that dialogue can be boring if it doesn’t help move the story along. It is advisable to NOT bore the person reading you book. I really can’t stress that enough. Be interesting!
Writing dialogue is super easy, you just think of what your character would say and then write it.
Below is an example of dialogue that is exciting and keeps the story moving forward!
Every successful writer has his or her favourite place to write. A place where their mind opens up and they feel the surge of creativity oozing out of EVERY orifice.
This sacred place may be in a library, the corner of a small coffee shop or in a countryside cottage. As for me, your inspirational teacher, I like to write on an aeroplane flying at 35,000 feet.
This may be difficult for some of you due to time constraints and cost but I have no concerns with time and money so five times a week I fly six hours every day to Serbia and back. If you want to try to write on a plane every day here are my tips;
Take a pencil on the plane with you.
REMEMBER pens leak.
But also REMEMBER that pencils can break and you can’t sharpen pencils on a plane because you are not allowed sharp objects on planes.
Take two pencils on the plane.
If both pencils break ask a flight attendant if they have a writing implement.
Take some paper with you. I prefer white paper but any colour will work.
If you don’t have paper you can use a piece of wood or your arm.
Drink some water occasionally.
If both pencils have broken and your pen has leaked and the flight attendants don’t have any writing implements have a sleep.
Once you have an idea for your novel you need to start writing it. Once you have started to write it REMEMBER to make things happen in it.
You can have loads of stuff happen in your novel, the death of a pet, a sneezing fit that leads to the main character having to buy more tissues, an old woman opening a jar, someone driving somewhere, a young child finding a fish finger down the back of the fridge, two people having a conversation about something, someone looking at a collection of rubber bands, a lady telling someone she likes The Beatles, a man sitting, someone walking in a big field, an old man saying ‘no’ and shit like that.
So many things ‘happen’ so PLEASE make sure things happen in your novel. If nothing happens in your novel maybe you should stick to writing manuals.