Up To Their Necks In Shit.

Hi writing fans and fellow authors, I’m back with another excerpt from one of my many amazing novels which I give to you in order to inspire you to greater works.

As you know we are in the time of the year where the dead supposedly rise again and people dress up for Halloween so I thought it only fitting I share an extract from my biggest selling horror novel, ‘Up To Their Necks In Shit’.

Up To Their Necks In Shit.

Susie and Denise had both woken up late after a sleep over at Susie’s mothers house that was in the middle of the woods or some shit like that. As they rushed to school they feared the worst, “Mrs. Girth is going to put us in detention for sure for being this late”, said Susie. Denise didn’t say anything because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

No one really knew what had happened to Denise but Susie knew that it had something to do with a bucket, some old ham and a torch. Susie didn’t know this because she had been specifically told about what had happened to Denise but was certain she was right because she was like psychic, I think.

As they reached the school Susie felt an uneasiness come over her and she felt proper weird and shit, “Something is not right, Denise”, she said out loud in a conversational manner. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Denise’s eyebrows started to twitch uncontrollably, shooting upwards and downwards in a jerky fashion, “Denise, what is wrong?” asked Susie but Denise didn’t reply because she is a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer. The eyebrows began to twitch even more wildly, so much so that the rest of Denise’s face almost began to move.

Then an ancient Egyptian mummy came over towards them and started having a right go at them, “You two girls must die”, he/she said in a sinister manner, “You both have only two hundred thousand days left to live before the curse take’s its course”.

“What curse?” asked Susie politely

“Oh, did I forget to…oh yes, I forgot to mention it, but I’ve put a curse on you”, said the mummy.

“Oh shit”, replied Susie, “that’s not good!”

Denise nodded.

“That’s really, really, really, really not good”, said Susie, “really, not good…not good”.

Then suddenly the sky that had been so bright and clear suddenly became dark as if it was the middle of the night and Denise’s eyebrows shot up in shock.

“That’s confusing”, said Susie, “It was proper bright a second ago and now it’s like all dark and shit…what the heck is happening here?”

Denise reached into her bag and pulled out a torch and handed it to Susie.

“Is this a torch?” Susie asked. Denise nodded her head as if to say ‘yes’ because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

“This torch will help us see better in the dark, well done Denise. Where did you get it from?” 

Denise shook her head and pointed at her unmoving mouth.

“Oh yeah, you’re mute and have been ever since some horrific shit happened to you last summer…I forgot”, said Susie who then let out a small laugh at her own stupidity and forgetfulness, “What am I like!?” Where did you get this torch from? Did you order it at Argos.com, the UK’s most successful catalogue and delivery company?”

Denise nodded ‘yes’ and smiled. It was the first time Denise had smiled ever since she became a mute after some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

“Argos.com is a great website and really easy to use”, said Susie enthusiastically, “you can pretty much get everything you want on their from wedding rings to garden power tools such as the Mcgregor Cordless 24 volt Garden Blower or the Bosch ALS2500 Corded Leaf Blower both of which are great quality at a reasonable price.”

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McGregor Cordless 24V Garden Blower

Denise nodded.

Then, the Mummy, which had been thinking about Egypt during this conversation about Argos.com which has same day delivery for only £3.95, shouted, “Denise, I know what you did last summer!”

Denise’s eyebrows then went even more mental on her face, so much so that if they weren’t securely attached to her face they would’ve definitely jumped off and flown away on the breeze. I don’t know if I mentioned the weather conditions but it was a bit breezy. It wasn’t windy enough to fly a kite properly but it was breezy enough to carry an unattached eyebrow.

“How does he know what happened last summer but I don’t?” asked Susie, “Do you two know each other?”

Denise peered into Susie’s eyes and let out a deep and frightening laugh…

Susie gulped.

So there you go…are you scared? Haha, it’s ok if you are, most people who have read it have been left totally lost for words.

If you would like to read more of this novel then please get in touch. I will send you a personalised copy as there isn’t any available in any shop right now. I’ve had a couple of problems with publishers etc…

I hope you enjoyed this spooky tale. See you soon, book fans!

 

 

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SPLASH! Massive Splash!

‘SPLASH! Massive Splash!’ is the name of a novel I wrote a few years ago and it’s about four sailors, cast adrift on the Pacific Ocean after their boat capsized in treacherous weather. What follows in an excerpt to give you a taste of how to write maritime stories.

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The Book Cover For ‘SPLASH! Massive Splash!

Splash!…Splash…Splash…SPLASH! The Pacific ocean splashed against the lifeboat, rocking the four men inside. The sun shone brightly like an orange that had been carefully lit by an array of Varta Industrial Beam Lanterns which you can order on-line from Protectdirect.co.uk.

varta industrial Beam Latern
The Varta Industrial Beam Lantern

“How long has it been now? I’m starving hungry”, said Dave.

“How long has what been?” asked Barry.

“Since we had to get into this lifeboat because our boat sank. I think I might die from the hunger”, replied Dave.

“Oh yeah, I thought you were asking how long it had been since it had been medically proven that adding turmeric to your diet helped improve a persons digestive system,” replied Barry.

“What?” said Dave

“I reckon we’ve been here a week”, said Barry.

“Nine days” said Trev.

“No way! Really?” said Barry.

“I reckon,” replied Trev, “I’ve actually got a calendar on my iPhone but the battery ran out a few days ago.”

“iPhone battery’s are well bad,” said Barry as he chuckled.

Suddenly, from the other end of the boat Kevin, or Kev as he was also known, jumped up and said, “Lads, I’ve got an iPhone charger! We can see what day it is!”

“Where did you get that?” asked Barry

“I ordered it off Amazon.co.uk before we left”, replied Kev.

“I’m not sure how this is going to help us survive, lads,” said Dave, “maybe we should work out how we can catch some fish or some shit like that.”

“Is it for the iPhone 5?” asked Barry as he pointed at the charger that Kev had produced from his pocket.

“Yeah”, said Kev.

“Ah shit”, said Trevor who funnily enough, like Kev also had a shorter version of his name which was ‘Trev’, “I’ve got an iPhone 6. Oh well, never mind.”

“Oh they’re great!” said Kev.

“Guys, I think we need to find a way to eat”, said Dave who was now beginning to look skinny which is one of the major side effects of not eating.

“I’ve got a Coleman FyreChampion Double Burner gas camping stove,” said Barry, “is that any good?”

“Did you get that from Amazon.co.uk?”, enquired Kev.

“No, I ordered it on-line from gooutdoors.co.uk. If you order it online you get a free 12 month warranty.”, replied Barry.

“What are they like to use in windy conditions though?” asked Trev.

“Pretty good, actually. This ones got a windlock pan support which cuts the boiling time down 50% in the windiest conditions. It normally retails at £190.00 but I got this one for £139.99”, said Barry.

“That’s a great deal”, said Trev, ” I think I’ll order myself one when we get back home.”

coleman Fyre Champion
Coleman FyreChampion Double Burner gas camping stove

“Guys! Food! We need it!” said Dave.

Twelve days later, having drank each others piss for days, they were found by some other lads who were on a ship to Canada. Once they’d all got their strength back they had a right good laugh about having to drink each others urine.

The End.

As you can see for yourself I added some stuff about them having to drink each others piss. This is a great way to show how being adrift on the ocean is really bad.

 

The Moon Has Got The Shits

The Moon was as bright as Barry had ever seen it. It seemed to shine in the air like high gloss ceramic floor tiles with a gloss finish do on a kitchen floor when under LED ceiling light fixtures, which was a coincidence as Barry had just ordered some new lighting for his kitchen from Lampsplus.com. He was originally going to order them from Thelightingsuperstore.com but once he found out that Lampsplus.com offered free delivery, there was no contest!

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High Gloss Ceramic Floor Tiles

As Barry’s eyes remained fixed on the moon which as I’ve mentioned was very bright, he began to ponder if there was a reason for this unusual level of brightness. He turned to his brother, also called Barry, who had just stepped out of their house to smoke a cigarette.

“The moon is very bright tonight”, said Barry as he pointed at it.

“Yes, it is”, replied Barry, “well spotted.”

“Thanks”, said Barry.

Then, just as Barry was about to go back into the house to carry on pouring hot candle wax onto his testicles, Barry spotted something strange shooting out from the surface of the moon.

“What the flipping heck was that?” yelped Barry like a dog that had trapped its paw in a ducks anus.

“What was what?” asked an alarmed Barry. But before Barry had a chance to explain to Barry what had happened he spotted something else shooting into space from the moon’s surface. This time Barry also saw it.

Then another one, and another one…and another one……….and another one. And another one….AND another one.

“What is going on?” said Barry as he turned to Barry with a face almost as white as a sheet that has been placed under a Possini Euro Alecia 34″ Wide French Gold Chandelier, which strangely enough was currently on sale at Lampsplus at a recommended retail price of £599.99!

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Possini Euro Alecia Chandelier

“I don’t know”, said Barry, honestly.

Soon the sky was filled with more and more of these things which quite frankly were really, really hard to describe…it’s pointless me trying.

“They keep coming” cried Barry, as the ‘things’ got closer to the Earth hemisphere.

“It’s as if the Moon has got the shits!” said Barry.

But the Moon didn’t have the shits, this was an invasion. An invasion from the Moon by an alien army that had been waiting for the right moment to attack and what with kitchen lighting and certain lampshades being such great prices at Lampsplus, that time was now!

Eventually, loads of humans died before a small band of brave people got lucky and somehow defeated the raiding extraterrestrials.

Show, Don’t Tell.

One of the mistakes new writers make is to tell rather than show. What that means is that new writers are telling rather than showing. In other words the new writer isn’t showing but rather telling.

It is a technique that allows the reader to experience the scene through actions and shit like that rather than the writer’s description or something like that.

If you’re any good as a writer, this is a technique you will get to grips with. If you don’t it probably means you’re no good. I understand it really, really, really well as the example below demonstrates.

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An example of ‘show don’t tell’

 

Writing Romance (sexy stuff!)

Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).

So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.

When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.

 

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Erotic fiction of the highest standard.

So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.

 

Using Dialogue to Move the Story.

Dialogue between characters in your novel is very important.

It helps give us a picture of their personalities and it helps us to add more words to our final word count. Dialogue is another name for talking, so when a writer says I am writing ‘dialogue’ he/she means they’re writing people chatting.

But you must remember that dialogue can be boring if it doesn’t help move the story along. It is advisable to NOT bore the person reading you book. I really can’t stress that enough. Be interesting!

Writing dialogue is super easy, you just think of what your character would say and then write it.

Below is an example of dialogue that is exciting and keeps the story moving forward!

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Exciting dialogue!!!

 

 

Building Tension in Your Plot

It is vitally important that you build tension in your novel, otherwise people will simply get bored AND PEOPLE MUST NEVER GET BORED!

Make sure that your plot has tension like the example below;

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An excerpt of some tense stuff in a novel

 

Yep, THAT is pretty tense.

Keep it tense everyone!