Writing A Novel Is Like…

Writing a novel is similar to many things, climbing a mountain, trekking an uncharted path through an overgrown jungle, or multiplying 7 x 8 without using a calculator. But I think I have found the perfect way to describe writing a book…

baby novel

Show, Don’t Tell.

One of the mistakes new writers make is to tell rather than show. What that means is that new writers are telling rather than showing. In other words the new writer isn’t showing but rather telling.

It is a technique that allows the reader to experience the scene through actions and shit like that rather than the writer’s description or something like that.

If you’re any good as a writer, this is a technique you will get to grips with. If you don’t it probably means you’re no good. I understand it really, really, really well as the example below demonstrates.

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An example of ‘show don’t tell’

 

How To Emotionally Move Your Readers

One of the most important things when writing a novel is to make your readers feel empathy for your main characters. If the readers have no reason to like a character why should they keep reading?

I couldn’t get past the first fifty pages of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ because I just didn’t care about any of the characters in it and none of them seemed real!

There are many ways in which to make your readers feel all emotional and shit like that, you can make one of the characters sad about something or you could make one of them really frustrated about something in the news.

But if neither of the these two example make you want to reach for a tissue then I suggest giving all of your characters a limp. Who doesn’t feel sorrow for people with limps??

 

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I feel so emotional after reading this.

 

Writing Romance (sexy stuff!)

Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).

So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.

When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.

 

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Erotic fiction of the highest standard.

So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.

 

Writing On A Plane?

Every successful writer has his or her favourite place to write. A place where their mind opens up and they feel the surge of creativity oozing out of EVERY orifice.

This sacred place may be in a library, the corner of a small coffee shop or in a countryside cottage. As for me, your inspirational teacher, I like to write on an aeroplane flying at 35,000 feet.

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A picture of some writing that someone has done on a plane.

This may be difficult for some of you due to time constraints and cost but I have no concerns with time and money so five times a week I fly six hours every day to Serbia and back. If you want to try to write on a plane every day here are my tips;

  1. Take a pencil on the plane with you.
  2. REMEMBER pens leak.
  3. But also REMEMBER that pencils can break and you can’t sharpen pencils on a plane because you are not allowed sharp objects on planes.
  4. Take two pencils on the plane.
  5. If both pencils break ask a flight attendant if they have a writing implement.
  6. Take some paper with you. I prefer white paper but any colour will work.
  7. If you don’t have paper you can use a piece of wood or your arm.
  8. Drink some water occasionally.
  9. If both pencils have broken and your pen has leaked and the flight attendants don’t have any writing implements have a sleep.

And that’s it. Best of luck with your novel.

Visualizing The Scene

What do you do before you start a new scene? Obviously you check that your pen still has ink in it and that you are physically awake. You may also check if you have a spare pen, in case the one you plan to use runs out of ink during the writing session.

 

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A picture of a pen with the words ‘This is a Pen’ written next to it.

 

But another thing you will do before setting off on an uncharted voyage into a new scene is to ‘visualize’ the scene.

This means to visualize stuff and shit like that.

And when I say ‘visualize’ I of course mean ‘imagining’ buy using your ‘imagination’. The word ‘imagination’ is a word you have no doubt seen or heard quit a lot since you decided to write a novel and the reason you keep hearing (or seeing) it, is because ‘imagination’ is really, really, really important.

To make a scene believable, the place where the scene takes place has to be believable to the reader. Below are two examples of the beginning of a scene, which one is correct:

‘The woman walked into the dimly lit library and could instantly smell chips’

Or

‘The woman walked in’

Which one gives you the better ‘visualization’ of the scene? This can be your homework for today.

REMEMBER humans are visually orientated so we need to ‘visualize’ scenes and shit like that. If we weren’t humans and instead were bats, our books wouldn’t be ‘visual’, they’d be ‘soundual’ because bats are blind as shit, I am sure you have heard the famous expression ‘as short-sighted as a bat’…yes? Have you heard of it? Great..

What I am trying to say is the market for novels written for bats is a very small market and they are extremely difficult to write, so stick to writing for humans.