Up To Their Necks In Shit.

Hi writing fans and fellow authors, I’m back with another excerpt from one of my many amazing novels which I give to you in order to inspire you to greater works.

As you know we are in the time of the year where the dead supposedly rise again and people dress up for Halloween so I thought it only fitting I share an extract from my biggest selling horror novel, ‘Up To Their Necks In Shit’.

Up To Their Necks In Shit.

Susie and Denise had both woken up late after a sleep over at Susie’s mothers house that was in the middle of the woods or some shit like that. As they rushed to school they feared the worst, “Mrs. Girth is going to put us in detention for sure for being this late”, said Susie. Denise didn’t say anything because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

No one really knew what had happened to Denise but Susie knew that it had something to do with a bucket, some old ham and a torch. Susie didn’t know this because she had been specifically told about what had happened to Denise but was certain she was right because she was like psychic, I think.

As they reached the school Susie felt an uneasiness come over her and she felt proper weird and shit, “Something is not right, Denise”, she said out loud in a conversational manner. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Denise’s eyebrows started to twitch uncontrollably, shooting upwards and downwards in a jerky fashion, “Denise, what is wrong?” asked Susie but Denise didn’t reply because she is a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer. The eyebrows began to twitch even more wildly, so much so that the rest of Denise’s face almost began to move.

Then an ancient Egyptian mummy came over towards them and started having a right go at them, “You two girls must die”, he/she said in a sinister manner, “You both have only two hundred thousand days left to live before the curse take’s its course”.

“What curse?” asked Susie politely

“Oh, did I forget to…oh yes, I forgot to mention it, but I’ve put a curse on you”, said the mummy.

“Oh shit”, replied Susie, “that’s not good!”

Denise nodded.

“That’s really, really, really, really not good”, said Susie, “really, not good…not good”.

Then suddenly the sky that had been so bright and clear suddenly became dark as if it was the middle of the night and Denise’s eyebrows shot up in shock.

“That’s confusing”, said Susie, “It was proper bright a second ago and now it’s like all dark and shit…what the heck is happening here?”

Denise reached into her bag and pulled out a torch and handed it to Susie.

“Is this a torch?” Susie asked. Denise nodded her head as if to say ‘yes’ because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

“This torch will help us see better in the dark, well done Denise. Where did you get it from?” 

Denise shook her head and pointed at her unmoving mouth.

“Oh yeah, you’re mute and have been ever since some horrific shit happened to you last summer…I forgot”, said Susie who then let out a small laugh at her own stupidity and forgetfulness, “What am I like!?” Where did you get this torch from? Did you order it at Argos.com, the UK’s most successful catalogue and delivery company?”

Denise nodded ‘yes’ and smiled. It was the first time Denise had smiled ever since she became a mute after some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

“Argos.com is a great website and really easy to use”, said Susie enthusiastically, “you can pretty much get everything you want on their from wedding rings to garden power tools such as the Mcgregor Cordless 24 volt Garden Blower or the Bosch ALS2500 Corded Leaf Blower both of which are great quality at a reasonable price.”

cordless blower
McGregor Cordless 24V Garden Blower

Denise nodded.

Then, the Mummy, which had been thinking about Egypt during this conversation about Argos.com which has same day delivery for only £3.95, shouted, “Denise, I know what you did last summer!”

Denise’s eyebrows then went even more mental on her face, so much so that if they weren’t securely attached to her face they would’ve definitely jumped off and flown away on the breeze. I don’t know if I mentioned the weather conditions but it was a bit breezy. It wasn’t windy enough to fly a kite properly but it was breezy enough to carry an unattached eyebrow.

“How does he know what happened last summer but I don’t?” asked Susie, “Do you two know each other?”

Denise peered into Susie’s eyes and let out a deep and frightening laugh…

Susie gulped.

So there you go…are you scared? Haha, it’s ok if you are, most people who have read it have been left totally lost for words.

If you would like to read more of this novel then please get in touch. I will send you a personalised copy as there isn’t any available in any shop right now. I’ve had a couple of problems with publishers etc…

I hope you enjoyed this spooky tale. See you soon, book fans!

 

 

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