Countdown To Drinking Your Own Piss!

Hello fans of words and other things that make up novels, I am back with another truly amazing blog post!

I write all kinds of novels, I really can do everything – and I do it brilliantly. I want to help you because we all need help from time to time. I sometimes need help with tying my shoelaces, not because I can’t do them (hahaha…honest) but because I am constantly thinking of new amazing stories and so don’t have time to tie them myself!

This blog post is designed to help all of you that are writing a novel set in a post-apocalyptic future when things have gone well bad and shit like that. Below is an extract from my amazingly high-selling, post-apocalyptic novel ‘Countdown To Drinking Your Own Piss’ which will get your juices flowing for sure. Don’t be overawed by my talent, use it to inspire yourself.

This novel takes place after a massive rock has slammed into Earth near the roadside service station by junction 8 on the M62, in Runcorn, England. Things go proper mental and shit and people are doing all they can to survive. Society has crumbled and life as we know it has gone right up the shit pipe!

COUNTDOWN TO DRINKING YOUR OWN PISS!

“How long have we been walking?” asked an exhausted Dave Option.

“About 63 hours”, replied a weary Cheryl Chair. She usually liked to be called ‘Chez’ but she felt that short abbreviations or nicknames weren’t suitable during post-apocalyptic times.

“Can we stop for a rest?” asked a drained Steve Spicyointment.

“Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with that last statement that Steve just said”, said a tuckered out Susie Backsweat.

“We need to find water”, said a really pooped Glen Otterpenis, “so we keep walking.”

Then a conversation in which all of the characters talked began about what to do about water. It was a really long conversation and I don’t have the time to write it all but it ended as follows…

“I’d happily let you all drink my piss, if you wanted to”, said a parched Dave. They all agreed to drink each others piss if they became anymore thirsty. Glen Otterpiss wasn’t so keen, he’d drunk piss in Afghanistan and he didn’t enjoy the taste. As he was about to say so Cheryl pointed into the distance, which was far away and said, “Look!”

Everybody turned to look and saw something.

That something was a dust rising into the air as if a car was driving on the dry ground but surely it couldn’t be a car because there was no petrol anywhere.

“It’s dust rising into the air as if a car is driving on the dry ground but surely it couldn’t be a car because there is no petrol anywhere”, said Cheryle who had decided to add the letter ‘e’ to her surname as it sounded more sophisticated. 

But sure enough it was a car and it was coming towards them.

Everybody was proper tense and shit while the car came towards them. When the car arrived a man got out.

“Hello, my name is Jim Bowen”, said Jim Bowen.

“Hi Jim”, replied Chez who had now decided that short abbreviations of names was OK. I mean, its post-apocalyptic times and they might have to start drinking each other piss soon so why not use your bloody nickname!?

The first thing they noticed was Jim Bowen’s hair, it was so well styled and neat.

“Have you got wax in your hair?” asked Dave.

“Look, I’m with a group of people who have found a small enclave with everything we could need for 50 years and we’re going around finding groups like yours to come and join us, you’re saved”, said Jim Bowen.

“I reckon you’re using Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream”, said Susie.

“We’ve also found a way to grow our own vegetables” said Jim Bowen.

“Maybe, but it looks a little too wet to be Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream”, said Dave.

schwarzkopf-osis-flexwax-cream
Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream

“It’s wet because I’ve just had a lovely shower, we have unlimited supply of hot, fresh water”, said Jim Bowen.

“I reckon it’s Maneuver Workwax by Redken” said Glen.

“Don’t be so stupid, you can’t get a firm hold like that using Redken products”, said Chez 🙂 who had now decided to add a smiley face after her nickname to give herself a more friendly and inviting nature. ‘Why not?’ she had mused to herself, ‘if we’re all going to die from lack of basic human needs I may as well put a smiley face after my name to cheer us all up’

maneuver-work-wax-unisex-wax-by-redken-34-oz
Maneuver Workwax by Redken

“We have fruit, vegetables, clean fresh water, we’re all healthy and able to produce off-spring. We’ve got an aeroplane and a holiday booked at the end of June, just before the school holidays and we’ve got a Netflix subscription” said an exasperated Jim Bowen.

“But can we drink your piss?” asked Chez 🙂

“You don’t need to!” replied Jim Bowen.

“I’d let you drink mine!” said Susie. Then everyone else said they’d let him drink their piss and told him he was being selfish and that he should go away.

Well, I think you’ll agree at how amazing that was and how you could really put yourself in the place of all the well-rounded characters. I hope this has helped. So, until the next time, keep writing!

 

Advertisements

Up To Their Necks In Shit.

Hi writing fans and fellow authors, I’m back with another excerpt from one of my many amazing novels which I give to you in order to inspire you to greater works.

As you know we are in the time of the year where the dead supposedly rise again and people dress up for Halloween so I thought it only fitting I share an extract from my biggest selling horror novel, ‘Up To Their Necks In Shit’.

Up To Their Necks In Shit.

Susie and Denise had both woken up late after a sleep over at Susie’s mothers house that was in the middle of the woods or some shit like that. As they rushed to school they feared the worst, “Mrs. Girth is going to put us in detention for sure for being this late”, said Susie. Denise didn’t say anything because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

No one really knew what had happened to Denise but Susie knew that it had something to do with a bucket, some old ham and a torch. Susie didn’t know this because she had been specifically told about what had happened to Denise but was certain she was right because she was like psychic, I think.

As they reached the school Susie felt an uneasiness come over her and she felt proper weird and shit, “Something is not right, Denise”, she said out loud in a conversational manner. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Denise’s eyebrows started to twitch uncontrollably, shooting upwards and downwards in a jerky fashion, “Denise, what is wrong?” asked Susie but Denise didn’t reply because she is a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer. The eyebrows began to twitch even more wildly, so much so that the rest of Denise’s face almost began to move.

Then an ancient Egyptian mummy came over towards them and started having a right go at them, “You two girls must die”, he/she said in a sinister manner, “You both have only two hundred thousand days left to live before the curse take’s its course”.

“What curse?” asked Susie politely

“Oh, did I forget to…oh yes, I forgot to mention it, but I’ve put a curse on you”, said the mummy.

“Oh shit”, replied Susie, “that’s not good!”

Denise nodded.

“That’s really, really, really, really not good”, said Susie, “really, not good…not good”.

Then suddenly the sky that had been so bright and clear suddenly became dark as if it was the middle of the night and Denise’s eyebrows shot up in shock.

“That’s confusing”, said Susie, “It was proper bright a second ago and now it’s like all dark and shit…what the heck is happening here?”

Denise reached into her bag and pulled out a torch and handed it to Susie.

“Is this a torch?” Susie asked. Denise nodded her head as if to say ‘yes’ because she was a mute and had been ever since some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

“This torch will help us see better in the dark, well done Denise. Where did you get it from?” 

Denise shook her head and pointed at her unmoving mouth.

“Oh yeah, you’re mute and have been ever since some horrific shit happened to you last summer…I forgot”, said Susie who then let out a small laugh at her own stupidity and forgetfulness, “What am I like!?” Where did you get this torch from? Did you order it at Argos.com, the UK’s most successful catalogue and delivery company?”

Denise nodded ‘yes’ and smiled. It was the first time Denise had smiled ever since she became a mute after some horrific shit happened to her last summer.

“Argos.com is a great website and really easy to use”, said Susie enthusiastically, “you can pretty much get everything you want on their from wedding rings to garden power tools such as the Mcgregor Cordless 24 volt Garden Blower or the Bosch ALS2500 Corded Leaf Blower both of which are great quality at a reasonable price.”

cordless blower
McGregor Cordless 24V Garden Blower

Denise nodded.

Then, the Mummy, which had been thinking about Egypt during this conversation about Argos.com which has same day delivery for only £3.95, shouted, “Denise, I know what you did last summer!”

Denise’s eyebrows then went even more mental on her face, so much so that if they weren’t securely attached to her face they would’ve definitely jumped off and flown away on the breeze. I don’t know if I mentioned the weather conditions but it was a bit breezy. It wasn’t windy enough to fly a kite properly but it was breezy enough to carry an unattached eyebrow.

“How does he know what happened last summer but I don’t?” asked Susie, “Do you two know each other?”

Denise peered into Susie’s eyes and let out a deep and frightening laugh…

Susie gulped.

So there you go…are you scared? Haha, it’s ok if you are, most people who have read it have been left totally lost for words.

If you would like to read more of this novel then please get in touch. I will send you a personalised copy as there isn’t any available in any shop right now. I’ve had a couple of problems with publishers etc…

I hope you enjoyed this spooky tale. See you soon, book fans!

 

 

The Moon Has Got The Shits

The Moon was as bright as Barry had ever seen it. It seemed to shine in the air like high gloss ceramic floor tiles with a gloss finish do on a kitchen floor when under LED ceiling light fixtures, which was a coincidence as Barry had just ordered some new lighting for his kitchen from Lampsplus.com. He was originally going to order them from Thelightingsuperstore.com but once he found out that Lampsplus.com offered free delivery, there was no contest!

carrelage-sol-blanc-effet-uni-crystal-l-30-x-l-60-cm.jpg
High Gloss Ceramic Floor Tiles

As Barry’s eyes remained fixed on the moon which as I’ve mentioned was very bright, he began to ponder if there was a reason for this unusual level of brightness. He turned to his brother, also called Barry, who had just stepped out of their house to smoke a cigarette.

“The moon is very bright tonight”, said Barry as he pointed at it.

“Yes, it is”, replied Barry, “well spotted.”

“Thanks”, said Barry.

Then, just as Barry was about to go back into the house to carry on pouring hot candle wax onto his testicles, Barry spotted something strange shooting out from the surface of the moon.

“What the flipping heck was that?” yelped Barry like a dog that had trapped its paw in a ducks anus.

“What was what?” asked an alarmed Barry. But before Barry had a chance to explain to Barry what had happened he spotted something else shooting into space from the moon’s surface. This time Barry also saw it.

Then another one, and another one…and another one……….and another one. And another one….AND another one.

“What is going on?” said Barry as he turned to Barry with a face almost as white as a sheet that has been placed under a Possini Euro Alecia 34″ Wide French Gold Chandelier, which strangely enough was currently on sale at Lampsplus at a recommended retail price of £599.99!

chand
Possini Euro Alecia Chandelier

“I don’t know”, said Barry, honestly.

Soon the sky was filled with more and more of these things which quite frankly were really, really hard to describe…it’s pointless me trying.

“They keep coming” cried Barry, as the ‘things’ got closer to the Earth hemisphere.

“It’s as if the Moon has got the shits!” said Barry.

But the Moon didn’t have the shits, this was an invasion. An invasion from the Moon by an alien army that had been waiting for the right moment to attack and what with kitchen lighting and certain lampshades being such great prices at Lampsplus, that time was now!

Eventually, loads of humans died before a small band of brave people got lucky and somehow defeated the raiding extraterrestrials.

Mars Can Fuck-Off.

Due to the overwhelming positive responses to titles for possible Sci-Fi novels that I posted on Instagram (below) I have decided to write some excerpts from the most popular to help give you an idea on how to write the science fiction genre.

First up is the enigmatically entitled ‘Mars Can Fuck Off’

The spaceship cut through space like a cucumber cuts through mayonnaise. But this spaceship wasn’t green, it was silver and it was also a bit bigger than your standard cucumber. I’m not sure how much bigger exactly but pretty big as on it were three people who were on a mission to the red planet known as Mars. Also, space wasn’t like mayonnaise because space isn’t white and edible. Although if you were surrounded by either one of them you wouldn’t be able to breath.

Cucumber-600x600
A Cucumber

“Prepare to jump to light-speed”, said one of the people on the spaceship.

“Ok”, said one of the other people.

“Wait”, said the third person who’s name was Spunkrodder from the planet ‘Andromadomadingdong’, “It is illogical go jump to light-speed right now”.

“Goddamn alien know it all”, muttered one of the people.

“Why not?” asked the other person who was a bloke.

“Because we’ve just landed on Mars and Mars is the planet we are supposed to land on”, said Spunkrodder

It was true, the spaceship had just landed on the mysterious planet that is known as Mars.

 

hubblesaturn
Mars

“So what do we do now?” questioned one of the people on the spaceship.

“We have to explore and look for any traces of the previous missions that have gone missing”, said Spunkrodder.

“Whatcha mean?” said the bloke.

“Our mission is to look for missing astronauts ‘n’ shit like that, even though we suspect they were killed by something living on this planet, which is called Mars”, said Spunkrodder informatively.

“You mean other people like me and this other bloke have gone missing and are presumed dead?” said one of the men.

“Yes”, said Spunkrodder.

“Well fuck that. Mars can fuck-off”, said a man.

And with that they took off in their spaceship that looked like a giant silver cucumber and went home. The trip back to Earth took ages and they were really tired at the end of it.

The End.

 

Show, Don’t Tell.

One of the mistakes new writers make is to tell rather than show. What that means is that new writers are telling rather than showing. In other words the new writer isn’t showing but rather telling.

It is a technique that allows the reader to experience the scene through actions and shit like that rather than the writer’s description or something like that.

If you’re any good as a writer, this is a technique you will get to grips with. If you don’t it probably means you’re no good. I understand it really, really, really well as the example below demonstrates.

IMG_2784
An example of ‘show don’t tell’

 

How To Emotionally Move Your Readers

One of the most important things when writing a novel is to make your readers feel empathy for your main characters. If the readers have no reason to like a character why should they keep reading?

I couldn’t get past the first fifty pages of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ because I just didn’t care about any of the characters in it and none of them seemed real!

There are many ways in which to make your readers feel all emotional and shit like that, you can make one of the characters sad about something or you could make one of them really frustrated about something in the news.

But if neither of the these two example make you want to reach for a tissue then I suggest giving all of your characters a limp. Who doesn’t feel sorrow for people with limps??

 

IMG_2704
I feel so emotional after reading this.

 

Writing Romance (sexy stuff!)

Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).

So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.

When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.

 

IMG_2642
Erotic fiction of the highest standard.

So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.