How To Emotionally Move Your Readers

One of the most important things when writing a novel is to make your readers feel empathy for your main characters. If the readers have no reason to like a character why should they keep reading?

I couldn’t get past the first fifty pages of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ because I just didn’t care about any of the characters in it and none of them seemed real!

There are many ways in which to make your readers feel all emotional and shit like that, you can make one of the characters sad about something or you could make one of them really frustrated about something in the news.

But if neither of the these two example make you want to reach for a tissue then I suggest giving all of your characters a limp. Who doesn’t feel sorrow for people with limps??


I feel so emotional after reading this.



Writing Romance (sexy stuff!)

Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).

So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.

When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.


Erotic fiction of the highest standard.

So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.


Using Dialogue to Move the Story.

Dialogue between characters in your novel is very important.

It helps give us a picture of their personalities and it helps us to add more words to our final word count. Dialogue is another name for talking, so when a writer says I am writing ‘dialogue’ he/she means they’re writing people chatting.

But you must remember that dialogue can be boring if it doesn’t help move the story along. It is advisable to NOT bore the person reading you book. I really can’t stress that enough. Be interesting!

Writing dialogue is super easy, you just think of what your character would say and then write it.

Below is an example of dialogue that is exciting and keeps the story moving forward!

Exciting dialogue!!!



Building Tension in Your Plot

It is vitally important that you build tension in your novel, otherwise people will simply get bored AND PEOPLE MUST NEVER GET BORED!

Make sure that your plot has tension like the example below;

An excerpt of some tense stuff in a novel


Yep, THAT is pretty tense.

Keep it tense everyone!

Writing On A Plane?

Every successful writer has his or her favourite place to write. A place where their mind opens up and they feel the surge of creativity oozing out of EVERY orifice.

This sacred place may be in a library, the corner of a small coffee shop or in a countryside cottage. As for me, your inspirational teacher, I like to write on an aeroplane flying at 35,000 feet.

A picture of some writing that someone has done on a plane.

This may be difficult for some of you due to time constraints and cost but I have no concerns with time and money so five times a week I fly six hours every day to Serbia and back. If you want to try to write on a plane every day here are my tips;

  1. Take a pencil on the plane with you.
  2. REMEMBER pens leak.
  3. But also REMEMBER that pencils can break and you can’t sharpen pencils on a plane because you are not allowed sharp objects on planes.
  4. Take two pencils on the plane.
  5. If both pencils break ask a flight attendant if they have a writing implement.
  6. Take some paper with you. I prefer white paper but any colour will work.
  7. If you don’t have paper you can use a piece of wood or your arm.
  8. Drink some water occasionally.
  9. If both pencils have broken and your pen has leaked and the flight attendants don’t have any writing implements have a sleep.

And that’s it. Best of luck with your novel.

Basic Plots

Remember, all plots need a beginning, a middle, another middle, another middle with a slight twist, another middle bit where the previous twist wasn’t an actual twist, something that feels like another beginning but can’t be because its a middle, another short middle, something that feels like the ending but isn’t, an ending, a huge twist, the actual ending and an epilogue.

All clear?

Quotes To Cure Writers Block

“Argh, I am so stuck! I haven’t written for over 12 minutes! I have terrible writers block”.

We’ve all been there, we’ve all suffered from the feeling of emptiness in our brain, when no thoughts manifest. The crippling fear of whether it’s ‘there’ or ‘their’ that you should write. The awful feeling that makes us wonder if we’re good enough…

So, I thought I’d take a moment to write some great quotes from some of my favourite writers to help get you motivated and push you on to achieving amazing things in your writing career!

  1. Pick up the pen, you idiot – Dave Flippers
  2. When one has no inspiration……erm.. – Tony Maltesers
  3. To write is to live, to live is to write so if you don’t write you may as well be dead – H.S. Plopping.
  4. Throw that tuna salad out of the window! – Gillian Photocopier
  5. Write, right? – Anne Laser
  6. Writing is easy, it’s defrosting the freezer that’s hard – Bill Dickface
  7. Oh just shut up and at least turn on the computer, you fool! – L.L.L.L. Hugedancer
  8. You can do it…what? Oh, yes that does sound bad…never mind! – Cherie Asparagus
  9. Inspiration is 12 per cent perspiration, 68 per cent sugar and 32 per cent…no hang on that’s not right…hold on…erm… – Kevin Waste
  10. Is dranghyerpfff a word? It is now – Deborah Banktransfer
  11. Have you thought of becoming a mime artist? – Flannery O’Flannersterflan
  12. A writer is always listening…pardon? – Doug Products.
  13. Writing is the souls way of hiding all of the awful, awful things that happen in your life…you’re life is truly awful!! – Terry Flange
  14. Can I borrow your pencil, mate? – Ursula F. Nur-ma-nur
  15. Learn to actually read before writing, you twat! – Suzy Whiteboard-Markerpen
  16. What is writing? Seriously…what is it? – D.I.K. Head.
  17. Writing is like sex. It rarely happens and when it does its over within 4 seconds, isn’t it…isn’t it? – Frank De De Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
  18. Words…words. Words, words, words. I like how they stroke my bum – Sylvia Fingercat
  19. My pen has run out of ink…Oh no and that was the last pen in the world. Oh well, I’ll just stop – Kramer Tadpole
  20. No one else actually cares about your bloody novel! – Trevor Breath.

So there you go writers! I am sure all of these quotes struck a chord and will inspire you to go on and produce work of outstanading quality!