Hello fans of words and other things that make up novels, I am back with another truly amazing blog post!
I write all kinds of novels, I really can do everything – and I do it brilliantly. I want to help you because we all need help from time to time. I sometimes need help with tying my shoelaces, not because I can’t do them (hahaha…honest) but because I am constantly thinking of new amazing stories and so don’t have time to tie them myself!
This blog post is designed to help all of you that are writing a novel set in a post-apocalyptic future when things have gone well bad and shit like that. Below is an extract from my amazingly high-selling, post-apocalyptic novel ‘Countdown To Drinking Your Own Piss’ which will get your juices flowing for sure. Don’t be overawed by my talent, use it to inspire yourself.
This novel takes place after a massive rock has slammed into Earth near the roadside service station by junction 8 on the M62, in Runcorn, England. Things go proper mental and shit and people are doing all they can to survive. Society has crumbled and life as we know it has gone right up the shit pipe!
COUNTDOWN TO DRINKING YOUR OWN PISS!
“How long have we been walking?” asked an exhausted Dave Option.
“About 63 hours”, replied a weary Cheryl Chair. She usually liked to be called ‘Chez’ but she felt that short abbreviations or nicknames weren’t suitable during post-apocalyptic times.
“Can we stop for a rest?” asked a drained Steve Spicyointment.
“Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with that last statement that Steve just said”, said a tuckered out Susie Backsweat.
“We need to find water”, said a really pooped Glen Otterpenis, “so we keep walking.”
Then a conversation in which all of the characters talked began about what to do about water. It was a really long conversation and I don’t have the time to write it all but it ended as follows…
“I’d happily let you all drink my piss, if you wanted to”, said a parched Dave. They all agreed to drink each others piss if they became anymore thirsty. Glen Otterpiss wasn’t so keen, he’d drunk piss in Afghanistan and he didn’t enjoy the taste. As he was about to say so Cheryl pointed into the distance, which was far away and said, “Look!”
Everybody turned to look and saw something.
That something was a dust rising into the air as if a car was driving on the dry ground but surely it couldn’t be a car because there was no petrol anywhere.
“It’s dust rising into the air as if a car is driving on the dry ground but surely it couldn’t be a car because there is no petrol anywhere”, said Cheryle who had decided to add the letter ‘e’ to her surname as it sounded more sophisticated.
But sure enough it was a car and it was coming towards them.
Everybody was proper tense and shit while the car came towards them. When the car arrived a man got out.
“Hello, my name is Jim Bowen”, said Jim Bowen.
“Hi Jim”, replied Chez who had now decided that short abbreviations of names was OK. I mean, its post-apocalyptic times and they might have to start drinking each other piss soon so why not use your bloody nickname!?
The first thing they noticed was Jim Bowen’s hair, it was so well styled and neat.
“Have you got wax in your hair?” asked Dave.
“Look, I’m with a group of people who have found a small enclave with everything we could need for 50 years and we’re going around finding groups like yours to come and join us, you’re saved”, said Jim Bowen.
“I reckon you’re using Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream”, said Susie.
“We’ve also found a way to grow our own vegetables” said Jim Bowen.
“Maybe, but it looks a little too wet to be Schwarzkopf Osis Flexwax Cream”, said Dave.
“It’s wet because I’ve just had a lovely shower, we have unlimited supply of hot, fresh water”, said Jim Bowen.
“I reckon it’s Maneuver Workwax by Redken” said Glen.
“Don’t be so stupid, you can’t get a firm hold like that using Redken products”, said Chez 🙂 who had now decided to add a smiley face after her nickname to give herself a more friendly and inviting nature. ‘Why not?’ she had mused to herself, ‘if we’re all going to die from lack of basic human needs I may as well put a smiley face after my name to cheer us all up’
“We have fruit, vegetables, clean fresh water, we’re all healthy and able to produce off-spring. We’ve got an aeroplane and a holiday booked at the end of June, just before the school holidays and we’ve got a Netflix subscription” said an exasperated Jim Bowen.
“But can we drink your piss?” asked Chez 🙂
“You don’t need to!” replied Jim Bowen.
“I’d let you drink mine!” said Susie. Then everyone else said they’d let him drink their piss and told him he was being selfish and that he should go away.
Well, I think you’ll agree at how amazing that was and how you could really put yourself in the place of all the well-rounded characters. I hope this has helped. So, until the next time, keep writing!