Writing Romance (sexy stuff!)

Writing romantic or saucy, sexy scenes can be a bit of a minefield, especially if you are a total loser with the opposite sex (haha, loser…I am not a loser, I’m good at sex).

So many novels are ruined by badly written sex scenes, but follow my tips and watch the sex scene come alive and jump off the page.

When writing sexy scenes make sure you use the correct words to create the right mood. You can do this by using words such as ‘fanny’, ‘shazam’ ‘bacon’ and ‘banging’. The following excerpt is an example from an erotic novel I wrote called ‘Sit On The Chair and Look At The Sandal Magazine’. Read it carefully and I am certain you will gain a lot of insight on writing erotica.

 

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Erotic fiction of the highest standard.

So there you go. This should get you up and running in the world of erotica. I will write more about this at a later date but I’m tired ‘n’ shit.

 

Using Dialogue to Move the Story.

Dialogue between characters in your novel is very important.

It helps give us a picture of their personalities and it helps us to add more words to our final word count. Dialogue is another name for talking, so when a writer says I am writing ‘dialogue’ he/she means they’re writing people chatting.

But you must remember that dialogue can be boring if it doesn’t help move the story along. It is advisable to NOT bore the person reading you book. I really can’t stress that enough. Be interesting!

Writing dialogue is super easy, you just think of what your character would say and then write it.

Below is an example of dialogue that is exciting and keeps the story moving forward!

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Exciting dialogue!!!

 

 

Building Tension in Your Plot

It is vitally important that you build tension in your novel, otherwise people will simply get bored AND PEOPLE MUST NEVER GET BORED!

Make sure that your plot has tension like the example below;

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An excerpt of some tense stuff in a novel

 

Yep, THAT is pretty tense.

Keep it tense everyone!

Writing On A Plane?

Every successful writer has his or her favourite place to write. A place where their mind opens up and they feel the surge of creativity oozing out of EVERY orifice.

This sacred place may be in a library, the corner of a small coffee shop or in a countryside cottage. As for me, your inspirational teacher, I like to write on an aeroplane flying at 35,000 feet.

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A picture of some writing that someone has done on a plane.

This may be difficult for some of you due to time constraints and cost but I have no concerns with time and money so five times a week I fly six hours every day to Serbia and back. If you want to try to write on a plane every day here are my tips;

  1. Take a pencil on the plane with you.
  2. REMEMBER pens leak.
  3. But also REMEMBER that pencils can break and you can’t sharpen pencils on a plane because you are not allowed sharp objects on planes.
  4. Take two pencils on the plane.
  5. If both pencils break ask a flight attendant if they have a writing implement.
  6. Take some paper with you. I prefer white paper but any colour will work.
  7. If you don’t have paper you can use a piece of wood or your arm.
  8. Drink some water occasionally.
  9. If both pencils have broken and your pen has leaked and the flight attendants don’t have any writing implements have a sleep.

And that’s it. Best of luck with your novel.

Make Things Happen!

Once you have an idea for your novel you need to start writing it. Once you have started to write it REMEMBER to make things happen in it.

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You can have loads of stuff happen in your novel, the death of a pet, a sneezing fit that leads to the main character having to buy more tissues, an old woman opening a jar, someone driving somewhere, a young child finding a fish finger down the back of the fridge, two people having a conversation about something, someone looking at a collection of rubber bands, a lady telling someone she likes The Beatles, a man sitting, someone walking in a big field, an old man saying ‘no’ and shit like that.

So many things ‘happen’ so PLEASE make sure things happen in your novel. If nothing happens in your novel maybe you should stick to writing manuals.

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How To Make Every Scene Count.

When writing a novel it is important to make sure that every scene has a reason for being there. Each scene must move the story along or help to develop characters.

This is a mistake many newbie novelists make when they are starting out, along with not having the correct pen and not giving any of their characters believable surnames, (seriously, DO NOT give your characters surnames like ‘Mangofart’ or ‘Vulvabacksweat’!!)

Below are two sentences, see if you can work out which one moves the plotline forward the best.

‘Dave Vulvabacksweat entered the kitchen’;

or

‘Dave Vulvabacksweat entered the kitchen, tripped on a mango and died instantly’

Can you spot which sentence moves the storyline forward?

If you are still not certain how to make every scene count, watch the film ‘Crocodile Dundee II’ staring Paul Hogan and copy it.

 

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Crocodile Dundee II

 

 

Visualizing The Scene

What do you do before you start a new scene? Obviously you check that your pen still has ink in it and that you are physically awake. You may also check if you have a spare pen, in case the one you plan to use runs out of ink during the writing session.

 

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A picture of a pen with the words ‘This is a Pen’ written next to it.

 

But another thing you will do before setting off on an uncharted voyage into a new scene is to ‘visualize’ the scene.

This means to visualize stuff and shit like that.

And when I say ‘visualize’ I of course mean ‘imagining’ buy using your ‘imagination’. The word ‘imagination’ is a word you have no doubt seen or heard quit a lot since you decided to write a novel and the reason you keep hearing (or seeing) it, is because ‘imagination’ is really, really, really important.

To make a scene believable, the place where the scene takes place has to be believable to the reader. Below are two examples of the beginning of a scene, which one is correct:

‘The woman walked into the dimly lit library and could instantly smell chips’

Or

‘The woman walked in’

Which one gives you the better ‘visualization’ of the scene? This can be your homework for today.

REMEMBER humans are visually orientated so we need to ‘visualize’ scenes and shit like that. If we weren’t humans and instead were bats, our books wouldn’t be ‘visual’, they’d be ‘soundual’ because bats are blind as shit, I am sure you have heard the famous expression ‘as short-sighted as a bat’…yes? Have you heard of it? Great..

What I am trying to say is the market for novels written for bats is a very small market and they are extremely difficult to write, so stick to writing for humans.

Settings.

‘Settings’ means where a novel or a scene is set. A good way to come up with a setting is to use your imagination, I use mine all the time and I find it helps me come up with stuff and shit like that.

It is always a great idea to mention where your novel or scene is taking place i.e. its ‘setting’. If your novel is set in a jungle, be sure to mention it. Below is an example;

CHAPTER ONE

My name is Dawn and I live in a jungle.

You see how I have now set up a thrilling novel set in a jungle.

 

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WOW! A jungle!

 

I am sure this lesson has really helped you.

 

 

 

Characters.

In order for your novel to be relatable you MUST give ALL of the characters in your book a name, like we have in real life.

Names such as Bob, Jill or Peter are all acceptable, as are Zach, Ron and Kylie…in fact all names are acceptable as long as you make sure you give male characters male names and female characters female names.

Below is a list of some other names you can use for characters;

 

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Names of people

If you can’t think of a name, just close your eyes and think of a friend…do they have a name? Great, use that!

Sometimes you can also use your own name BUT REMEMBER don’t use the same name for every character, otherwise things could get very confusing for the reader.

 

 

‘Dialogue’

Do you know what ‘dialogue’ is? No? No problem. I will tell you (even though you could go and look it up somewhere like a dictionary or some shit like that).

‘Dialogue’ is when one or more people say things out loud.

 

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dialogue

 

You will use ‘dialogue’ a lot in your novel (if it involves humans talking), so it is good to understand it better.

In real life people are always using ‘dialogue’ such as, “Go on without me, I’m not going to make it”, “I’ve lost my cheese” and “What are you doing with your life? You just sit in your room pretending you’re some kind of writer but you’re just a loser that watches too much porn!” Some ‘dialogue’ can be invented by using your imagination or, like one of the examples above, some of it can be from words that you have heard people say.

Below is an example of ‘dialogue’

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So, now that you know what ‘dialogue’ is you can write some.